Jaime the insecure Yoga Teacher vs Jaime who knows who she is
It's Saturday afternoon, well almost. It's 11:57am and I just finish leading my 1,465th class at Yogamour. For the past year I offered the Teachers' Lounge but that didn't seem to take off and it dissolved off the schedule. I'm not going to lie. I appreciate being able to head out earlier.
I've never been one to write out a class plan. I have a foundation and I go from there when I step into the room. I often tell people the playlist dictates the class.
When I first started teaching I was so excited, I didn't care about being new or "green". I found something I was passionate about and it seem to come easy to me. I guess with all of the drama surrounding my exit from Sol to teaching at Down Dog Yoga, I became really insecure. I also started teaching for Yogamour soon after. At Down Dog, I was the least popular teacher on the schedule. I wasn't from Bethesda and didn't know anyone. I also didn't look the part. I'm short and round. I don't look like your stereotypical "Hot Yoga" teacher. My hair was turning gray, I don't get my nails done and I didn't own a single piece of lululemon. My clothes came from Penney's or Old Navy at the time. Besides feeling completely broken over my ending at Sol, I felt ashamed of my size at Down Dog. One day my manager asked me if I wanted to do a sugar fast with her. I declined. I also wonder if she asked as a way to get me to loose weight. Maybe that's in my head...
On the flip side I had my group of regular students. Tu, Charlotte, Amelia, Hillary, Dani and Luisa. They taught me that my bias about Bethesda was wrong and a lot of what I was thinking and feeling was in my head.
When Covid hit, I went to teaching solely at Yogamour. Yogamour's a lot different. It's a trauma informed studio with every style. It's Yoga for everyBODY.
I’ve taught at Yogamour ever since. I spent a lot of time feeling insecure about my teaching. Am I good enough, or let’s be honest, do they like me? It’s ridiculous because I put my heart and souls into my teaching. I’ve spent every weekend at the studio. Why am I so insecure?
From time to time I would write a social media post sharing my insecurities. Some would relate. Others would try to give me a pep talk. I always come from a place that if I’m feeling it, surely someone else is too. Not that I want someone to feel sorry for me. Although I think it might have been perceived as so.
When it came to actual teaching in the classroom, I often would question if I was boring people. I’m so empathetic to energy and when it dropped, I absolutely picked up. This, unfortunately, was very draining.
And then there was a shift. Perhaps it coincided when I proclaimed I am a Baptiste teacher and I decided I wanted to see myself the way others see me. I always received great feedback. I mean feedback like “you changed my life.” That’s a big fucking deal for something to tell you. Imagine that happening every other week. Why not believe what they say?
I decided to get out of my own way. As for the body image stuff, I still struggle. Who doesn’t. Doesn’t matter if your big, small, tall, short, young or old. You still feel things about yourself so how about seeing and feeling the things you LIKE about yourself. Such as how I recently at the age of 45 rolled my mat out in the middle of the room and led Journey into Power as I practiced along side my class just so I could see if I could do it. Or that I’ve run 19 half marathons. I'm going to continue telling people about the half marathons until the day I die.
Since learning to embrace myself, I’ve elevated my teaching tremendously. Today during my gentle class we were in the hip opening sequence it was so quiet. I felt for a moment that I was failing them by not sprinkling words of wisdom. I paused, looked around and saw that everyone was at complete peace. They didn’t need me to talk. They just needed me to hold the space and watch the clock. That's the difference between "Jaime the insecure Yoga Teacher and Jaime who knows who she is."
And what she's doing.
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